Ex In The City

Bohemian Bequines

I am considering the long period of hardship, and how all rents have become extraordinarily high and all goods on earth most horribly expensive, and everything today even increases in price because of the great wars and various heavy burdens and taxes that multiply every year, causing enormous expense, burden and sorrow to the people..who from day to day find it even more difficult to sustain themselves honorably and to raise their children properly."Who do you suppose is speaking these words?  A candidate talking 2008 election rhetoric.  An economic analyst speaking of the impending recession?  No, these words were written in 1559 by Lievin vander Muelene a priest in Ghent who in his last will and testament set up a foundation for five young girls of his extended family to be educated believing so much in the power of education and civility.

He was also a great believer in the beguine movement which had started 300 years before – a fascinating alternative place for women who wanted a safe and respectable place to live a contemplative life, widowers, single women, not taking official church vows but in a protected community.  These bequines, single sex cities evolved in the midst of increasing urbanism where severe economic crises and wars limited options for women without husbands. Yes there were wars back then, women left alone.  They searched for a chaste life outside the church.  I really  think this idea should be revived. Imagine cities of women living their lives independently and with truth as the guiding principle.  No need or panic for a relationship, friendship and respect at the heart of their relationships. Hard work and a nurturing a sense of community and cooperation.

 

There is an element of spirituality and mysticism to the beguine movement, in fact many of them were eventually considered heretics since the women were intensely spiritual but refused to be defined within the formal definition of the church.  Bohemian beguines. A fascinating story and inspiration for women living outside traditional definitions of society.

Divorced women are in that category – accepted by society with the mind, but feared with the heart.  Divorced women don’t compromise in relationships, they don’t let men dominate or lie to them. They live their lives boldly in authenticity and that is fundamentally frightening to those living the status quo.  Playing the marriage game.  So many women feel they have to be married to be happy or fulfilled. They look out the windows of their sheltered and comfortable lives at their single sisters wishing they had the courage to leave a sad and miserable life of deceit.  Let’s face it most marriages have an element of falsity. Couples are living a lie within a lie.  At the heart may be something called love, but for the most part it's comfortable compromise – society’s formula for how men and women are 'supposed' to live.  The beguines of medieval Europe offered a home to the early female radicals. Feminists. 

 

If you are interested in beguines, these Cities of Ladies, check out the book by Walter Simons, Associate Professor at Dartmouth College or visit http://userwww.sfsu.edu/~epf/1995/beguine.html

Seven Year Itch

There have been endless articles on the reasons for divorce. It is a shocking reality that 50% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce, pretty amazing odds by any standard. It's higher in other parts of the world so count your blessings.  Basically its a bit like buying a new car - as soon as you drive off the lot the entrophy begins - so the glow of 'i do' forever quickly starts to wane into 'i do until i change my mind'.  Love and commitment reaches a low apparantly in the 4 year anniversary mark and then picks up again until year 7 when all bets are off as the seven year itch attacks.  If you get past 10 years, well you are amazing!

Adultery, boredom, finances, changing interests, children, who knows.  Most states today are no fault - so you really don't have to state a reason for divorcing. No one is to blame is the new standard. Unreconcilable difference means I just can't be bothered to try  to reconcile.  Don't you wish life was simpler like back in 1972 when the state of Missisippi stated the following 10 very prescriptive reasons for allowing a divorce. Got to love the pure simplicity of the reasoning.  You'd think #11 was a no brainer. Oh my god did people really do #2?  Where was viagra for #1? No ambiguity at all. 3-7 are pretty self explanatory and I think I plead #8 or is it #12?  I think its fascinating that you could get a divorce is you were insane when you GOT married but not if you were insane at the time you were asking for a divorce and that you have to actually strugle through 3 years of treatment before a divorce is possible. Seems a little unfair to me :-)

So here is what they said...

Divorces from the bonds of matrimony may be decreed to the injured party for any one or more of the following twelve causes, viz:

First. Natural impotency.
Second. Adultery, unless it should appear that it was committed by collusion of the parties for the purpose of procuring a divorce, or unless the parties cohabited after a knowledge by complainant of the adultery.
Third. Being sentenced to any penitentiary, and not pardoned before being sent there.
Fourth. Wilful, continued and obstinate desertion for the space of one year.
Fifth. Habitual drunkenness.
Sixth. Habitual and excessive use of opium, morphine or other like drug.
Seventh. Habitual cruel and inhuman treatment.
Eighth. Insanity or idiocy at the time of marriage, if the party complaining did not know of such infirmity.
Ninth. Marriage to some other person at the time of the pretended marriage between the parties.
Tenth. Pregnancy of the wife by another person at the time of the marriage, if the husband did not know of such pregnancy.
Eleventh. Either party may have a divorce if they be related to each other within the degrees of kindred between whom marriage is prohibited by law.

and my personal favorite,,,

Twelfth. Incurable insanity. But no divorce shall be granted upon this ground unless the insane party shall have been under regular treatment for insanity and causes thereof, confined in an institution for the insane for a period of at least three years immediately preceding the commencement of the action.

Forgiveness

The process of getting over a divorce takes time we all know that. I stopped writing for many years and just was living divorce out. And it was hard. i thought for 1 year that i'd never breathe again. Then for another 2 years that i'd never trust again. For many more years thinking that i'd never love again. Throughout it all i never thought i could forgive. 

Then i read a book called Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts, which is trust me not a light read.  It is 933 pages and i read it over two weeks of travel on a recent birthday trip to India, Scotland and the UK.  I had it tucked under my arm and glued to my eyes on planes and trains and on comfy beds in Jaipur at the home of my dear freind Veena's sister in law. She took me in despite the fact i was like a little broken bird. I realised as I read the book that the reason i thought i could never forgive was that i was thinking about forgiving the wrong person. All the time, I thought I should be forgiving my former husband when in reality it was all about forgiving myself.  That was a huge realization and one that still makes me cry.  Now, the fact that I've actually realized this doesn't mean I've actually DONE it - forgive myself that is - but it isn't about anything I did that was wrong or things he did that were wrong, things that perhaps required forgiveness - but just that life is all about decisions based on one's character and life experience that generate a perspective and response to that specific moment in time, the desire to make things the best they can be. It's hardly ever perfect and on reflection is almost always imperfect. But you do the best you can at any moment in time, and that is absolutley all you can do.  My husband's decision to leave was the best he could do at that time. It was a perfect storm. On reflection, it was a brave decision in a sad kind of way for both of us.

So the book. Shantaram. It's an incredible, incredible book. The writing style is like liquid gold, it flows around you and into every cell of your body.  His characters make you stop and reflect. You know them by the end of the book or the end of their lives. There is one place that I just had to put the book down and cry. Not sniffle cry but sobbing cry. I met up after my trip with my girlfriend who actually recommended the book to me and she said exactly the same thing happned to her.  I put it up there with Atlas Shrugged as my all time most impactful book. It is all about forgiveness - and the last paragraph really says it all. If you are dealing with a divorce or separation, just try to forgive yourself and your man - there is no need to punish yourself for the past you go forward...your destiny is waiting and its probably going to be absolutely nothing like you imagined when you were a child or even nothing like you think its going to be right now...

For this is what we do.  Put one foot forward and then the other.  Life our eyes to the snarl and smile of the world once more. Think. Act. Feel.  Add our little consequences to the tides of good and evil that flood and drain the world. Drag our shadowed crosses into the hope of another night. Push our brave hearts into the promise of a new day.  With love: the passionate search for a truth other than our own. With longing:the pure ineffable yearning to be saved.  For so long as fate keeps waiting, we live on."

Letting Go

  They say that the only thing worse than hearing your ex is remarrying from a third party is actually hearing the news from your ex. I disagree. I wish that he had told me directly, it would have felt more civilized, more gentle. But hey who said divorce was supposed to be civilized and I really wasn’t expecting that I’d be anywhere in his mind.  Or that I’d not be on the invite list should it happen.  Our children weren’t on the list either and truthfully that was the most painful thing to accept. But I suppose after all these years of separation from them as well, it was a gift for them not to have to make the decision whether to attend. Strangely enough it wasn’t so much a feeling of deep pain but a kind of quiet sadness. A small calm memory pulse that had been flowing through my life, filled with the good thoughts, the knowledge that we had really had a great 20 years together, suddenly stopped. Just like that. Ok so I go pull out all the photo albums and had a good cry, but it was a good release.  So, I put behind me another milestone that most divorced women and men I suppose deal with. Strangely enough you actually don’t hear divorced people speak of this day very often. Later you say , oh yes, my ex got remarried and has 2 kids etc as if its just the most normal thing in the world. But on that day, that moment when you hear the news, you take a gasp and just have to start breathing again. No one wants to admit that after a divorce, their ex has found a deep and beautiful love with someone else, and of course in your heart of hearts all you want to do is wish them every happiness. You loved them for goodness sake, it got imbedded in your DNA to put their happiness first. No need to be cruel and vindictive. A marriage (whoever is standing there hand in hand)  is a day that celebrates love and for most people, you do in your heart hope that the person your ex is marrying will be their soul mate forever. You know he chose you and you are a good person. She must be the same. But deep inside, it stirs up powerful latent emotions. You are reminded again of how your marriage “failed”, how the dreams you had together have been dissolved not just temporarily but forever.  It just isn’t what you imagined when you said your vows and promised to stay together until death.  It just never in a million years occurred to me that my husband would ever take that same vow another woman. I am still alive last time I checked.   So another milestone, another great opportunity to move on. Yes, I put on a brave face that day and told my kids I was happy for my ex and his new wife. And I am. There was a twinge of sadness of course. But anyone who has been through a divorce and remarriage knows how this feels.  So, if you know someone who has just found out their ex has remarried, or if you are the one that has to break the news, be gentle. We are fragile beings when it comes to love. 

Solo Dining

  Like so many divorced women I love the experience of eating out, exploring new foods, people watching - but it is hard to do it alone. It gets easier over time, and in fact yesterday I went to Vancouver Art Museum and had to go into a sea of people on the patio with my little tray and feel comfortable without (and this important) not immediately pulling out the mobile phone and aimlessly pushing buttons. Try to keep your head up, look out, enjoy the food and the experience.

The SoloDining web site is chockfull of strategies and tips on how to increase your comfort and options as a solo/single diner, plus need-to-know information for anyone considering solo/single travel.

Here is how they describe the site..."Taking the bite out of eating alone" - so you get the idea of its tone - it is fun, upbeat, comfortable - and useful!

They continue - You'll get the scoop (love the icecream reference) on notable solo-friendly restaurants across the United States and beyond. And while discovering what's out there, you'll learn what to look for and, "just as important," what solo dining amenities to suggest to your favorite restaurants. (Some need a bit of coaching about what solo diners want and love to receive from restaurants!)

All SoloDining.com publications, edited by solo-dining maven Marya Charles Alexander, reveal the secrets of how to make solo dining work for you. They include: tipping tactics; how to discover solo-friendly restaurants; the most effective ways to endear yourself to a restaurant and the ABCs of reservation making.

Here you'll find the array of dining options available to solos/singles, including food bars, dining counters, cluster seating, facilitated shared table seating, communal table variations, variously named: friendship, joiners, community, chef's, the "love boat," captain's; and more.

SoloDining.com is dedicated to supplying you with the information and tools you need to take charge of this all-important slice of life.

Check it out - its yummy~

40 Year Itch

Why do more long term marriages end in divorce?  With the separation of Al and Tipper Gore, a CNN piece today looked at the increasing number of divorces in long term marriages.  In an interview with Dr Pepper Schwartz from Seattle who explained that it’s not all doom and gloom. Now if you are a divorced woman this may seem like a flippant comment - but Dr Pepper explains that with a divorce rate of 50% we are in good shape. She explained that there are two things going on.  One she said is all demography – fact is that at 60 you can expect now (unlike years ago) to have 30 more years of life and may want to make different decisions about how to spend the next 30 years. Baby boomers invented the divorce rules – about why and why not to stay in a relationship. But as  Pepper says, a relationship evolves over many years and it never on “auto pilot’ and that it is a constant process of re-evaluation. We now look at ourselves and make it better, keep it alive, make it worthwhile for the time we have left on the planet.

Is there a 7 year or 40 year itch? Is 60 the logical age – where people in long term marriages try to redefine and decide what to do with the last 30 years of life.  It’s likely that the changes have happened over many years – and people just want to go a different direction.  Over time time you maybe are going in different directions – travel vs golf – stay engaged with the family or not – it is not an easy decision but in many ways I just wonder why they waited so long.

 

Be a Journeywoman

The secret of happiness is freedom and the secret of freedom is courage - a quote by Greek philosopher Thucydides -and after a divorce, getting back in the world and travelling in new and exciting palces - alone - involves a great amount of courage.   One of my favorite websites in the world is Journeywoman. I've been part of the Journeywoman Network and reading their articles since my divorce when I typed into my browser "solo travel for women".  It's been an inspiration to me ever since. Highly recommended reading.

They cover everything from "excerpts from the diaries of other solo women travellers to dealing with loneliness on the road to taking good care of yourself in a hotel. Everything posted here stems from the actual experiences of other females who are part of the Journeywoman Network."  On this page you will find tips on traveling solo in Paris, India, New York and stories of personal strength and courage on the road alone.

The site offers a great Guide to Packing and 500 Travel Tips. They don't shy away from any topic like Sex With Strangers on Holiday - its just the most authentic and comprehensive website for women travelers.

Another site I love is Tango Diva.  It's a community of incredible energetic and creative women, thier blogs are all featured on the site. Their solo travel stories are grouped by Wellness, Style, Culture and Inspiration - and they are just pure vicarious joy to read! They have a great online shop and bookstore. You will get lost.

Check out Babeland

 Admit it, you've been wondering about the "Rabbit" ever since it was on "Sex and the City." Or maybe you just need a gift for a bachelorette party. If you haven't already perused the shelves at Seattle's Babes in Toyland or checked out their website at babeland.com, do it - go now!  They also have stores in LA and New York. 

It's the classiest place to shop for naughty toys. Its knowledgeable and courteous staff somehow finds a way to display and sell X-rated goods in a way that won't make you blush.

Sinful Cities

Ok this article is all over the internet so please allow me to provide you with an edited version.

Someone in their wisdom decided it would be fun to find out which 10 cities in America are the most lustful - measured (ie enjoy the most sex) by analyzing the purchases of condoms. Seems a reasonable idea.

So AC Nielsen (some researches just have all the fun) measured the per capita index of over the counter contraceptive purchases.  So the average is 100. Are you with me so far?  One city topped the list with an index of 289.  Other cities that ranked in the top 10 were Seattle, Washington, D.C. and Salt Lake City. Metropolitan areas one might expect to see ranked very high  like New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, had average or below average indexes.

So drum roll......Denver is proudly the condom capital of the United States.

Just in case you happen to have forgotten those seven deadly sins...they are pride, envy, lust, sloth, greed, gluttony and anger. Forbes is right on this with their own version of America's Sinful Cities and adds that in addition to Denver being the most lustful, the greediest city is the home of Google and Apple - San Jose/Silicon Valley. Detroit is the most violent angry city. Salt Lake City has the most pride. Now you might expect that Las Vegas, Los Angeles or New York might rate at least one of the seven deadly sins, but ONE city wins three... envy, gluttony and sloth - all go to Memphis!!!  Now that is a shock.  

Not surprisingly, Denver also has experienced a spike in the number of local syphilis cases and that unfortunately is not limited to Denver. According to the CDC, chlamydia cases rose from 50.8 to 347.8 cases per 100,000 population between 1987 and 2006.  All the gorey details can be found here.

Why am I mentioning this in a blog focused on women's sexuality. Well it's because women who are divorced and out the the game for a while, are very uneducated about some of the dangers that were not even issues when they first became sexually aware.  Time have changed and the dangers of AIDS and STD's are a real concern for women.  A great place believe it or not is Planned Parenthood- their section on STD's is incredibly concise and informative

Rediscovering your sexy self after a divorce is a complex and emotional experience. It's scary, it's overwhelming, it's natural. There is no age limit on your desire for intimacy and sensuality. But hopefully these figures show you that sexuality is not hidden away anymore. It's right out there in front of you so if you are re-emerging from a divorce, keep your eyes and heart open but be aware that the rules of the game have changed. Don't be afraid to ask for an HIV test, it's your life.  Don't be afraid to say no. Move at your own pace, be educated and still have fun!

Looking for Mr Right

If looking for love is tough, then finding Mr Right may seem impossible, especially after divorce. The right perspective on boyfriends will increase your odds. The first step in developing a healthy, nurturing relationship is knowing what kind of partner that you want. It is best to do this while you are unattached, so that your standards aren’t based on a specific person. 

Deciding What You Want In A Man.  You can begin by making a wish list of characteristics that you would like in a partner. While attractiveness may seem important right now, realize that looks fade with time. It is better to focus on quality of life things such as a positive attitude or a sense of humor. Below is a list of ideas. Your list should include what is important to you in a man, and what makes you happy.

· Willing and capable of working 

· Dependable with good ethics

· Likes to relax and have fun 

· Shares a similar background 

· A willingness to help out 

· Is romantic and affectionate

· Likes similar activities

· Respects your freedom

· Wanting the same things in life

· Comfortable around children

Evaluate Your Past.  The next thing that you need to do is list the characteristics of old boyfriends, past lovers, and ex-husbands. What attracted you to them in the first place? How many of their traits match your list of needs. If there is little correlation between what you needed and what you got, see how all the men in your life were similar. If essential qualities for you are “kind”, “considerate”, and “good-natured”, yet you pick men who lack these qualities, but are either “sexy”, “good looking”, or “good dancers”, realize the conflict that exists. Be especially careful when you meet that “sexy” man that makes your heart race. If you are attracted to a good dancer who’s bad-tempered, then dance with him, but don’t invest yourself emotionally. It’s best just not to even allow yourself the temptation. 

Finding Someone New.  Don’t settle for less than your expectations just to be in a relationship. Knowing what you want before you start looking for love helps separate the good from the not-so-good, and allows you to find someone truly compatible for a possible lasting love. 

©Tracy Achen 2001
At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus - helping women survive their divorce and rebuild their lives